Monday, June 21, 2010

Invading Cows

There's a lot of problems in the world today. Hell, life sucks a lot of the time, even for the most fortunate of us. Yet, people are (theoretically) getting smarter, and our technology is certainly continually improving. What gives?

The problem, you see, is that cows are getting smarter faster than we are. And they're evil.

Take, for example, a fact. Cows produce tons of methane, just by taking a good belch every few minutes. Methane is a rather potent greenhouse gas - 25 times more potent than carbon dioxide - and cows produce more global warming than all the world's automobiles. Cows are destroying the environment.

What causes heart attacks? Clogged arteries? What clogs arteries? Fat. Fat from juicy steaks and burgers, that's what. Cows are trying to kill us all.

One of the biggest drags on the economy, and a major source of corruption: farm subsidies. In the name of feeding cows.

At this point in my rant, I usually start taking requests. Here's a few:

Depression: Cow manure stinks. It spreads misery. Have you ever seen a cow smile? Didn't think so.

The oil spill: Cows eat feed, which is frequently made from petroleum byproducts. Yes, that's right, that oil rig was feeding the invading hordes of bovines!

Religious wackos: The Israelites worshipped a golden calf. It just got worse from there.

Teenage pregnancy: Cow farms create large gaps between concentrations of people. People get bored. Old folks play Scrabble; teenagers get pregnant.

Cancelation of Firefly: The cows from "Shindig" and "Safe" got tired of being abused by Adam Baldwin. So, they gave the Fox execs mad cow disease, and they cancelled the show.

Our school's tiny budget: The cows in the Vo-ag program eat all the money.


fencer_22 said...

you were actaully making sense until the religious whacos part. and by the way this is just one more reason why people should stick to the much tastier chicken and pork + the ocasional turkey.

mandachan said...

my only argument is the last one. the ag program doesn't get all the money, the damn football team does. though, there isn't much of a difference between them and a herd of cows...