Sunday, February 27, 2011

Press Release

Hartford -

Governor Malloy announced at a press conference today that he would be signing CT House bill 7669 - the Emergency Precipitation Control Act of 2011. "The bill was result of an unprecedented bipartisan effort, the highly productive culmination of a great deal of stress over this winter weather," the governor said outside the state house.

According to an anonymous state senator, "This was a plan borne of desperation. The state of Connecticut is running out of money, our infrastructure is failing, and we were running out of time." The historic snowfalls - more than 70 inches at Bradley International Airport in Windsor Locks, and over 100 inches in some northwestern regions of the state - are set to bankrupt a number of municipalities by snowplow bills alone. Most towns declined to spend money for cleanup of this morning's 2" snowfall.

The extreme temperature swings also have created an unusually high number of large potholes; we were unable to confirm initial reports that gold has been discovered in several gigantic potholes on state highways in Manchester. The snow has damaged a number of the aging fleet of Metro-North railcars; branch service has been temporarily replaced by buses, and until the new M-8 railcars enter service, the MTA and CDOT are offering a discounted fare for all passengers willing to help push "up that really big hill in Norwalk."

The language of the bill is complex, but it boils down to this: all non-liquid precipitation entering the state of Connecticut is subject to immediate arrest, deportation, or liquidization - without charges filed. Although harsh, state lawmakers agreed that the penalties were fair punishment for non-sentient forms of matter.

Malloy declined to elaborate on enforcement of the bill, but our anonymous senator informed us that both state and local police are "100 percent on board." Additional snowplows and dump trucks are ready to be rented  at the first sign of threatening weather. Rumors of mass state police buying of powerful hair dryers and 500-foot extension cords remained unconfirmed at press time.

All but one state lawmaker voted for the bill. The lone dissenter was Mary Subington, representing Hartville, a tiny hamlet northwest of Thompsonville. "One quarter of our village's visitors are here to see the snow," she said, "and we're not going to lose them just because a few towns need a better snowplow." When pressed during a call to her office, Ms. Subington admitted that the other three visitors were travelers who got lost looking for Hartford.

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